By: XSTILLA.COM
The most emotionally distressing part of divorce is the absence of your children, whether for a weekend or during the week. As parenthood becomes the one good thing in life that we hang on to, we struggle to hold our self-perception together outside the presence of our kids. The answer to this is to enjoy our children to the fullest when they are with us in order to sustain pleasant memories and a sense of fulfillment while they are away.
On this journey to wholeness in the aftermath of divorce, we must resist the urge to “earn” our children’s affections. Even the most self-assured among us feel unwanted after divorce has taken away the ones who once loved us. Your children are feeling this self-doubt, even more so having lost two people rather than one. Your job is to assure them of your love for them, not to seek assurance from them. No doubt, the bullets of divorce’s gun have pierced through, but your children have no way to fill those holes for you.
There are benefits to both custodial and non-custodial parenting. If you are a non-custodial parent, take the opportunity when you are not with your children to rest and rejuvenate so that you are completely available to your kids during your time with them. Resist the urge to compete with the custodial parent. These weekends are about feeding the emotions of your children, not about nonstop entertainment. Relax with them.
Remember touch is a need, not a preference. Hug and be affectionate with your kids even if it isn’t usually your nature to do so. Touch allows us to feel accepted and loved.
Creating is the most natural of activities. Try to create something with your child each visit. This could be something artistic like designing shirts or hats, or as physical as building a snow man. Creation allows for the opening of hearts and also provides a long lasting record of your time together.
Take walks and catch up on the things you miss during the week. Ask them about their friends, clubs or sports. When the weather doesn’t permit walking, a warm cocoa in a bookstore is a cheap but fun way to reconnect. Agree to collect a list of 3 good things and 3 bad things that you experience while apart. Writing it down will keep you in their thoughts while you aren’t with them. It will also allow everyone to feel a part of the ups and downs of each other’s weeks. Try not to watch too many TV shows or movies, as that will mutually entertain, but draw your gaze away from your kids.
Mutual respect for the discipline style and rules of the other parent leads to a more enjoyable visit. Personal autonomy in your home is to be valued, but when you can make adjustments to allow the transition between homes to become easier, it will lead to more time for enjoyment, and less time trying to adjust.
Child Custody
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