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Negotiating With Difficult Former Partners
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By: XSTILLA.COM
Humans are social creatures; with rare exceptions, we will always be around others. This interaction staves off loneliness and allows us to benefit from others’ strengths. Unfortunately, though, our relationships with others can become strained and even hostile. When we can, we simply avoid contact with the “stressor.” However, when the antagonizer is the other parent of our children, avoidance is not a viable option.
With evasion off the table as an option (however tempting), you can take proactive steps to have healthy, functional interactions with your children’s second parent. Much of how we deal with others is directly linked to how we “compartmentalize” them in our minds. Your children’s other parent should no longer be labeled as your ex-spouse, the person who harmed you or the adulterer in your heart. They should remain linked only to your children, not to you. This will allow greater growth and healing in the places they have wounded you. Practice thinking of your ex as “Molly’s Dad” or “Hunter’s Mom”.
Closely related to this shift in perception is never speaking poorly of your ex to or around your children. This is difficult, but possible. Children know they are half of each parent. We never want to give our children the impression that half of them is bad, hateful or dishonest. Likewise, encouraging them to harbor negativity toward their parent may prove detrimental to their emotional growth throughout the divorce and custody lifecycle.
If your children have concerns or anxieties about you and your ex getting along, listen with a warm and compassionate heart. Resist the temptation to take that opportunity to speak poorly of your co-parent. Rather, affirm their feelings and perceptions as valid and regrettable. You can help them work through grief or betrayal without harsh words about the betrayer.
Your children need an adult parent. Even when the other parent is childish in behavior, your children deserve a parent who remains adult-like. This will foster a sense of security deep within them. If the second parent makes choices that are detrimental to the safety of the kids, that is better handled in litigation privately than vocally in front of the children. Furthermore, any infraction of the court ordered custodial agreement can be handled legally rather than personally. This will help interaction remain positive, while the legal system “makes” the difficult decisions, thus salvaging your esteem in the eyes of your children.
If you have tried all that you can, and the children’s other parent insists on public displays of inappropriate behavior, have the drop off/pick up location changed to a public venue rather than the child’s place of safety. If there is to be conflict, keep it as far from either home as possible. Even a police station parking lot, as startling as it might appear, can allow for smooth transitions, keeping outbursts to a minimum. This will also help retain the homes as places of sanctuary rather than uncertainty.
We, as humans, can choose our perceptions, reactions and responses. You don’t have to go to bed feeling good about the other parent, but you do want to be able to sleep feeling good about your own parenting. You deserve to be the parent your child needs, and to reap the wealth of satisfaction that brings.
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