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Can I Really Be Friends with My Ex Spouse?
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By: XSTILLA.COM
The question of whether or not one can actually be friends, or at least friendly, with their ex spouse weighs heavy on the minds of many who are newly divorced, especially those who have children. While it may seem impossible in many instances to be civil, let alone
friends with someone you've just divorced, it really can be done. It's also the best choice for moving forward, keeping the past where it belongs, and making sure you and your children's lives are stable and happy.
All too often divorced people are made to feel as if they are supposed to be one another's enemy, especially if there are things such as custody, child support, or assets and alimony issues to deal with. The legal process, although helpful, can still put a strain on post-divorce relationships, particularly if one party is being difficult in court, or if there are unanswered questions and hurt feelings that still linger.
Of course it's up to each individual as to whether or not they want to, or are even able to consider being friends with an ex spouse. Although there's no rule that says you have to, remaining amicable and keeping the peace definitely makes co-parenting much easier, and also provides a healthy environment for the children.
It's important to never use a child as a messenger, or as a way to communicate with your ex, and be sure to keep bad feelings or thoughts to yourself when the kids are within earshot. When they're old enough, they will be able to form their own opinions, and will fare better now without any negativity from either parent.
If your relationship with your ex in-laws has been a good one thus far, it shouldn't have to end or become strained just because the marriage did. Also, if you live in close proximity to many of your ex's family members, friends, or colleagues, be prepared to see them often, staying positive, friendly and refraining from divulging personal information about the divorce or asking anyone to "choose sides."
When one or both of you begin dating again, which will happen sooner or later regardless if the other is prepared or not, less is definitely more when it comes to details about your new personal life. There's absolutely no point in sharing information, especially intimate details with an ex spouse, if you are trying to be "friends."
It's easy to fall into all of the old patterns and habits, most of which probably led to the break-up of the marriage in the first place, when trying to be friends with an ex. You're both aware of each other's personalities, and basically know how to elicit a reaction from one another, both good and bad. Forgive both your ex and yourself for any mistakes you may have made, and concentrate instead on making the most of the future.
To make a conscious effort to be friends with an ex spouse, remember the following tips:
- Whenever possible, take the high road, be an adult, and force yourself to do what’s right even if it's the toughest thing you've ever had to do before.
- Keep things polite and as general as possible, especially just after the divorce when feelings may still be raw. Don't allow the little annoyances and quirks that bothered you while you were married get in the way of being friendly or civil now.
- If you're the one who initiated the divorce, tread lightly where matters of friendship are concerned. There's a good chance your ex spouse won't be ready to be friends, especially if they're still grieving the loss of the marriage. For both of your sakes, allow some time to pass before seeing one another for as long as necessary.
- Although the chemistry or love may be long gone, if you're really sincere about being friends with your ex, take it slow, and refrain from placing blame or rehashing old issues. There's also no sense wasting time talking about what should have, or could have been done rather than focusing on making the transition to single life as smooth as possible for everyone involved.
- You took vows to get married, why not take them to get divorced as well? Promise to always treat one another with compassion, to tolerate feelings, and always respect each other's wishes while having their best interests in mind.
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JT007
February 23, 2008 at 07:33PM
